As I sat to write this week’s letter I contemplated all the different topics I could discuss as it related to race, education, politics, and the like. I tried to think about the issues that have been bothering me and that I still need to process and work through in order to have a better understanding of how they impact my work and my life. I even opened up books I read this summer, grasping for ideas.
But then I went back to my “why” for beginning this project. When I started this in August, I said that I wanted to create “space where, through deep study and reflection I will learn, honor my Blackness, and share my journey in ‘recovering my wholeness.’”
Part of “recovering my wholeness” is taking a step back and reflecting on the parts of me that are still in flux. It requires pausing and noticing (not judging) the parts of me that create obstacles and barriers on the road to achieving my goals.
Today, I want to talk about an old friend of mine: her name is Fear.
When I was a little girl, I was deathly afraid of sleeping alone. My parents often share memories of putting me to bed, reading me stories, waiting patiently until I fall asleep, and then having to literally crawl out of the room to ensure they didn’t wake me up. When that was unsuccessful, I would cry relentlessly until someone eventually came in and provided the comfort I needed to fall back to sleep.
As an adult, I am told I come across as extremely confident and self-assured. I have grown as a leader because I like to assess and fix problems and I am not afraid to jump in and do the work, especially when it’s something I care about. But that little girl who is deathly afraid of the unknown still lives inside me. She appears when I don’t know the solution to a problem but feel afraid to show my colleagues and peers my vulnerabilities. She’s there when I struggle between living my life independently versus living it in a way that I know will make my friends and family happy. She rears her head when I’m alone for a long period of time, which is why I do everything in my power to not be alone longer than a few hours.
She’s with me in my bed at 3 am when I randomly wake up and can’t go back to sleep.
This week, though, I hit a breaking point with my old friend when I laid in bed, tossing and turning, for almost 3 hours in the middle of the night. My partner tried to comfort me, but as I cried in frustration the only thing I wanted was for this little girl to leave my body and allow me to be at peace.
My fear stems from not having control. Part of what makes me a strong leader is my organization skills and my foresight. When I look at something, I am always thinking about the smallest details that can make or break it. When I plan a training session, I spend hours reviewing, rehearsing, and getting feedback because I want to ( as much as I can) control the experience of my participants and ensure they walk away feeling satisfied and supported. But with every presentation I give I am debilitated by my nerves, because at the end of the day I can’t actually control how every person feels and that minute detail is where my little friend Fear likes to focus and live.
It shows up at work but it shows up in my personal life as well. I prided myself on being able to have a plan for my life and being able to execute it almost perfectly. But this year alone has shown me that not every plan we have will come to pass in the way that we want it, and I have been left often fearful of what it might mean if the things I want for my life don’t happen within the timeline I so painstakingly crafted.
But as it typically happens, after a breaking point there is usually a breakthrough.
This week I started a 21 Day challenge with some girlfriends in hopes of “shedding” some weight, both literally and figuratively. The theme of this first week is to “be present”, and in my moments of pausing and meditating, I actually spoke to my friend Fear and confronted her about her constant presence in my life. I asked her why she insisted on hanging around and why she seemed to find it appropriate to visit me at 3 am every night.
At that moment, though, I realized I was actually talking to my own reflection. While I am no longer physically that little girl, she is still, and will always be, a part of me. Fear has been with me in just about every major moment of my life. To ask her to leave would mean losing a piece of me that has a purpose, and to do so would be dangerous even if I don’t quite know yet how it serves me.
This week, instead of trying to eliminate her, I have chosen to embrace her more and take time to get to know her and see what I can learn, what she can teach me, and what we can hopefully create through this partnership. When I stopped trying to run from her, I started to worry less about outcomes and focus more on the journey at hand, on the present moment. The peace that has come with this shift has been beyond refreshing, and it has allowed me to treat myself with more patience and more grace.
One night, back when I was that little girl, my Dad came into my room and shared with me a prayer and scripture from the Bible. He told me that if I said the prayer every night I would no longer be afraid to sleep alone. I don’t remember the prayer exactly now, but I know I recited it to myself each night and, from then on, I rarely had trouble sleeping by myself. Reflecting on this moment now, I can clearly see why my Faith and my daily prayer habits are still with me to this day. But what I also see is that without Fear, I may not have learned how valuable my Faith actually is to my life.
Not saying I that Fear and I are BFFs, but, for now, we can at least be cordial.
this one resonated so deeply! now I need to have a conversation with my own friend fear..and my frenemy vulnerability.
Our fears resonates within our flesh, so to with our emotions, it is also the thermostat that gages how much we rely on ourselves to face life and it’s challenges verses our faith in whom all things are possible. Faith and Fear, one relies totally our abilities, one relies on him to whom all glory goes. In the gym when bench pressing, we sometimes need a spotter when the weight we think we can lift is more than what we can handle, we all need that one important Spotter in life when the weight of the world is more than what we can carry and it was so good to be able to sleep again those many years ago as you learned to turn from your fears to your faith🙏🏾😂. As always your words inspire me👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾